Thursday, April 21, 2011

Baby blues (minus the baby).

Tonight, I finally had the mini-breakdown I should have seen coming. My baby is growing so fast, and my body is struggling to keep up. It hurts to stand, sit, or walk. My back is in constant pain, I can’t sleep at night, and my hands and feet are so swollen, I now have a permanent indentation on my ring finger from the wedding ring I can no longer wear. All this (and much more that comes with being nine months pregnant) I have taken in stride, accepted, and lived with to the best of my ability. However, tonight I started bickering at my husband out of the blue, something that doesn’t really happen between us. It wasn’t until I broke down sobbing that we both realized my issues had nothing to do with him. I am just exhausted, physically and emotionally, plain and simple.

There is no doubt I am close to the end. It was confirmed that my cervix is soft and I am already 50% effaced (meaning my cervix is halfway to dilation).  Right now, I’m feeling a little drained and defeated, like I’m just not up to the task of fighting with an intervention-happy doctor or even the monumental challenge of new motherhood. Maybe what I need is a good night’s sleep. I know your quality of life is dependent upon your attitude, and that notion has kept me pretty positive these past nine months, so I feel I can afford an evening of feeling blue. Maybe I should just let myself feel what I need to feel.

Sometimes, you can feel really liberated just from having a good cry.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Dealing with life's "Others"

In five days, I will be 37 weeks pregnant, officially full-term. If I give birth on-time or later, I’ll have my angel OB there to deliver me. She has become a good friend and rock of confidence these past eight months. However, if I’m early, I’ll have the “other” doctor, the one covering for Angel OB while she is on maternity leave.

Last week, Husband and I had an appointment with Other OB, and asked questions about the birth. The last time we’d talked to her, she mentioned a possible cesarean due to the size of our baby (it’s big). Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about having a cesarean if it’s medically necessary. However, I think there are way too many unnecessary cesareans performed in this country, and I don’t want it to be a first resort for me. Other OB talked for a while about every terrible thing that could go wrong during a natural delivery of a big baby, including catastrophic tears that could go down to my rectum and damage to the baby. Husband and I left feeling uneasy, as if delivering a big baby was impossible and dangerous, something that was better left to modern medicine, because I wouldn’t be able to do it “right”. Other OB neglected to mention all the things that could go wrong with a cesarean section.

My entire pregnancy, I had felt so lucky to have Angel OB, who trusted the natural process of childbirth and made me feel empowered. It’s a strange predicament to suddenly have no trust in my doctor, to feel like I would never be listened to or believed in. It’s a frightening feeling. Luckily for me, Husband is my lion, and he is ready for a fight. I’m terrible at standing up to doctors, but not him. I actually had to remind him NOT to yell at, offend, or pick a fight with any medical staff while I’m giving birth. At least I’m not in it alone... and who knows, maybe Angel OB will be back in time to deliver me, and I’ll look back on this and laugh.