Baby blues (minus the baby).

Tonight, I finally had the mini-breakdown I should have seen coming. My baby is growing so fast, and my body is struggling to keep up. It hurts to stand, sit, or walk. My back is in constant pain, I can’t sleep at night, and my hands and feet are so swollen, I now have a permanent indentation on my ring finger from the wedding ring I can no longer wear. All this (and much more that comes with being nine months pregnant) I have taken in stride, accepted, and lived with to the best of my ability. However, tonight I started bickering at my husband out of the blue, something that doesn’t really happen between us. It wasn’t until I broke down sobbing that we both realized my issues had nothing to do with him. I am just exhausted, physically and emotionally, plain and simple.

There is no doubt I am close to the end. It was confirmed that my cervix is soft and I am already 50% effaced (meaning my cervix is halfway to dilation).  Right now, I’m feeling a little drained and defeated, like I’m just not up to the task of fighting with an intervention-happy doctor or even the monumental challenge of new motherhood. Maybe what I need is a good night’s sleep. I know your quality of life is dependent upon your attitude, and that notion has kept me pretty positive these past nine months, so I feel I can afford an evening of feeling blue. Maybe I should just let myself feel what I need to feel.

Sometimes, you can feel really liberated just from having a good cry.

scare tactics

This week has been a blur. It all started innocently enough, Husband and I had been celebrating his birthday and setting up the baby furniture that came piling in from friends and relatives over the past ten days or so. We were shopping for baskets at Ross, the most mundane of married life activities, when things suddenly changed.

I lost my breath, and at first thought nothing of it. I loose my breath all the time, and attributed it to sharing my lung space with the baby. Husband got me a chair, and I rested until I felt well enough to keep going. But then it happened again, and this time, it got bad. I couldn't breathe, I was disoriented and could scarcely speak. Husband quickly called Labor & Delivery while I tried to gain some semblance of control over myself. Eventually, we were told to go straight to the E.R.

I loathe being in the E.R., and fought against it with whatever stubbornness I could muster, but even I had to admit, I was a little worried. When we got there, I was given oxygen and an artery blood level test declared I was not getting enough. Doctors got worried, and started talking about a pulmonary embolism. The next twenty-four hours was a hellish circus of tests and IVs and desperately sucking on ice because I wasn’t allowed anything to eat or drink. Eventually, a pulmonary embolism was ruled out, and I was released with a confused bill of health and told to see my OB. Husband and I went to dinner to celebrate what remained of his birthday, feeling shell-shocked and stunned. It had all happened so fast.

Now, the morning after it all, I am sore and bruised up and down my arms and still a little shocked, but so grateful to be home. I’m looking at the mountain of pastel-colored baby laundry that has been waiting patiently to get washed, and thinking about the future. I’m trying not to worry about what my next Labor & Delivery experience will be like.

Dealing with it.

We’re angels when we’re pregnant.

I’ve heard that said by a new mom, describing the incredible feeling of carrying a new life into the world. It’s true. We are angels.

So why do I sometimes feel like turning into the devil incarnate? I’m normally a peace-loving  person, even while 7 months pregnant, and yet I find myself sweating the small stuff more often than I’d like to admit.

Why is this idiot driving so slowly? Why won’t that stupid dog stop barking? Why am I always the one replacing the toilet paper roll??

Sigh. Hormones are hard.

Mothering mindfully

I have created this blog as a response to a growing emotional need within myself to write about my journey to motherhood.

However, allow me to first introduce myself. I am 26-years-old, the first in my family's generation to have a baby. I am currently six months pregnant, and have been married for a little over a year to my best friend and the keeper of my heart since I was a teenager in braces. I live in Santa Cruz, California, an eclectic little town on the coast, about an hour away from San Francisco. I work as a support staff for adults with disabilities living independently. For fun, I love to be in nature, or creating something new.

This blog will primarily be a collection of thoughts of a first-time new mom, determined to do things a little unconventionally. My husband and I are very conscious of the world around us, and I will use this space on the Internet as a creative springboard for ways to raise a baby mindfully, with regard for every action having a reaction. Our parenting techniques will derive a lot of inspiration from Attachment Parenting, and we will be using cloth diapers and making our own baby food. I hope to soon have a gallery of homemade toys created with recycled materials, as well as how-to information for any other crafty parent out there looking for a way to save money and create for their child.

   

My goal as a mother is to be an active participant in my future childrens' lives. I plan to be home as much as possible, which will mean a significant cut to our household income. Husband and I have braced ourselves for this, and aside from being a full-time mama, I will be making it my job to stretch his paycheck as far as possible. I am excited to be able to blog about how to make that happen, and hopefully inspire others to do the same, if they desire to do so but are afraid of financial consequences. I believe in having a productive household vs. a consumptive household, along with an attitude a little different than the cultural norm about what makes a happy family.

I truly look forward to blogging about my journey, and invite readers to discover parenting mindfully along with me.