Tonight, I finally had the mini-breakdown I should have seen coming. My baby is growing so fast, and my body is struggling to keep up. It hurts to stand, sit, or walk. My back is in constant pain, I can’t sleep at night, and my hands and feet are so swollen, I now have a permanent indentation on my ring finger from the wedding ring I can no longer wear. All this (and much more that comes with being nine months pregnant) I have taken in stride, accepted, and lived with to the best of my ability. However, tonight I started bickering at my husband out of the blue, something that doesn’t really happen between us. It wasn’t until I broke down sobbing that we both realized my issues had nothing to do with him. I am just exhausted, physically and emotionally, plain and simple.
There is no doubt I am close to the end. It was confirmed that my cervix is soft and I am already 50% effaced (meaning my cervix is halfway to dilation). Right now, I’m feeling a little drained and defeated, like I’m just not up to the task of fighting with an intervention-happy doctor or even the monumental challenge of new motherhood. Maybe what I need is a good night’s sleep. I know your quality of life is dependent upon your attitude, and that notion has kept me pretty positive these past nine months, so I feel I can afford an evening of feeling blue. Maybe I should just let myself feel what I need to feel.
Sometimes, you can feel really liberated just from having a good cry.